Thursday, September 22, 2011

Will you listen to my story?

This is my story: (questions @ the end)

When I was 6 yrs old a boy about 12-13 yrs raped/molested me.

He didn't hit me and he didn't yell. He was casual about it. It lasted for a couple months. He told me that it was our special secret game and that if I told anyone that the secret game police would come and take me to prison. I believed him and didn't tell anyone.

He didn't enter me. He took me to the bathroom and told me to take my clothes off. I didn't really care. My mom took my clothes off all the time to change my clothes how was this any different. He took his shirt off and then took his pants off, I didnt think it was weird or nasty, I didnt know what sex was, let alone that a penis was a boys private parts and that I shouldnt be there. He laid on the ground and told me to spread my legs and sit on his %26quot;area%26quot;. It wasn't disgusting to me. I didnt even know that it was disgusting. I was feeling alittle uncomfortable but I didnt do anything

We did it every week for a few months. I started actually looking forward to it. I had a special game with a big kid, all of the big kids did it. I was a big girl. I actually got involved with our game and I liked it. And I actually started asking him to do stuff to me. Whenever we would hear someone coming down the hall he would freak and get dressed in a second and leave me in the bathroom to get dressed. Sometimes we would hear someone but when no one would come I would say that we could play some more, but he would just leave the room.

The last day we ever played our secret game he told me to take my clothes off as sweetly as usual. So I did and then he laid on the ground and told me to sit but he held his penis straight up when usually it was flat. I sat and he pushed inside of me a good ways and i started to cry. It hurt. He took it out and dressed and left me there crying. But reminded me of the secret game police and that I shouldnt cry.

I don't exactly remember him fingering me very much but I remember him teaching me how to finger him.

That was the last time I was really with him. Ive seen him around alot, because we go to the same church. I dont know why I havnt remembered that time until now. I guess I just tryed to block the memory.

Every time I saw him I got uncomfortable, like he could do something bad to me at anytime. Its like I belong to him. I always got the words %26quot;Our special secret game%26quot; in my mind. Whenever he looks at me its such a painfully casual look. Like he doesnt remember (or doesn't care) that my only part of his life was being used as a toy for his enjoyment. Thats all I am to him, just a sex toy.

Now Im 13, he is now 19. I feel dirty, used, stupid, whoreish, angry, sad, different. I feel like I could have stopped it. I didnt.

Im 13 and Im not a virgin. I feel bad, because my friend is pregnant at age 14 by a 19 yr old. Thats pretty much me, same age difference but earlier in life.

I hear my friend talking about sex and how they wish they could do it now. I just want to scream at them that it feels horrible when your young. I feel that its my fault that Im not a virgin. All of my friends are virgins. Why can't I be? I wont be able to give my virginity to a man that I actually love and want to be with forever,

But I dont care if im not physically a virgin, I am spiritually. And I will be until I get married.

No one knows about it. Im scaired to tell. The guy that did it to me has a mother that depends on him entirely. If I tell my mother she will (i garentee) try to get justice in full.

If I tell Im sure that He will say that it didnt happen. Who will want to beleive a 13 yr old remembering somthing that happened 7 years ago. It will be embarresing and a waste of time. I wish I could just move on with my life. But I feel chained. I feel like I cant go anywhere.

You may think that it was no big deal. I should forget it. Iv tryed, beleive me. The emotions that have come with it is complete torture. He will never know how much pain he has given me.

I feel worthless. Im tired of crying. I wish it never happened. I wish I could forget it. Im trying to convince myself that I could have stopped it or I should have known better but I cant.

I want to tell someone. I cant tell my parents because of his mother. Did he not know what he was doing?

I catch myself trying to pull hair really hard or trying to dig my nails into myself to bring pain. I want to control when I feel pain and no one else.

I wanted to write it down. try to feel better. I was thinking of telling my friend but i dont know how.

If you have any ideas that would be helpful. Thanks for listening

Im not xactly looking for someone to feel sorry for me so please dont call it a sob story. I just want to feel like im talking to someone. Iv heard that they have some websites that help victims get over stuff like this. If u know of some they would help. thanksWill you listen to my story?
in order for you to get closure you need to tell your parents and take action he needs to pay for what he did you were only six years old it was not your fault in any way it was his fault and you need to tell your parents and the police because out there is another little girl who will probably get raped by him save that little girl save her from what you are going throughWill you listen to my story?
Too long...try to shorten your story cause nobody will read it.Will you listen to my story?
many people who have gone through things as terrible as that show similar behavior to yours. go seek counseling or help, do not blame yourself. you were only a child. you didn't know any better. what this guy did was just horrible:(Will you listen to my story?
NO!Will you listen to my story?
I know that you dont want it to be a sob story but that is rough, i am sorry that this has happened to you in general but at such a young age. i dont exactly know what to tell you but i can tell you that memories like the one you have had arent good and it isnt your fault at all never believe that you should have known what it was or that you should have stopped him.

you were so young and wouldnt have known anything that was happening to you, to a child it was an innocent game, but as an older child he should have know what he was doing was wrong telling you that the police would get you if you told means as a child he knew right from wrong. that is in excuseable.

I know you dont want to tell your parents or the police but justice dose need to be served and it wouldnt be a matter of a 19year old against the word of a 13 year old it is the law they would believe the victim which is you. you need not feel guilty or ashamed you couldnt have prevented it what you can prevent by telling your parents will be a possible child being hurt the same way you were and no one knowing the police will help you have justice served to him and it dosent matter that it happened 7years ago memories of trauma and other circumstances are like that the brain blocks anything that it dosent feel the brain can deal with it blocks the memory until it feels your brain can cope.

I know that it is traumatic and will be very scary re living the events to a judge and a court and having to face him but it would mean that you will have closure on the event that your brain is already re-living you will be able to get counciling to help ease the pain because the way you are feeling isnt healthy and will not go away by itself, you do need to get some help as you shouldnt have to feel numb and how you feel at this young stage in what will be a great life.

even if you dont like what i have had to say i will please ask that you not leave this alone by just tellling a friend you need to do something about it now while you still have the opportunity.

I really hope you get the help that you need and the love and support to help you get past this traumatic time in your life.

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